Most of us are on some type of healing journey, and all of us have a real life to keep on living at the same time. We talk a lot about shadow work and the inner work and the deep healing, but do we talk about how goddamn hard it is to navigate the day-to-day tasks and responsibilities while grieving ghosts and tending to wounds no one else will see?
Today I’ll share with you my own personal struggles in this balancing act, and try to offer you some insight that’s helped me to hopefully help you feel more seen and supported on your own path as well. Step one: get vulnerable, we’re not hiding in shame and secret anymore 🖤
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YouTube: That Witch Next Door
Hey, do you want to come over and make a pot of tea? Bring your favorite crystals. You know we could talk about our birth charts, spirits, the latest house spells we've been doing. Welcome to the neighborhood. I'm that witch next door. ["witch Next Door"]. Well, hi there, my wonderful neighbor, and welcome to another episode of that Witch Podcast. I'm so excited that you could join me today and if this is your first time here in the neighborhood, hello and welcome. I'm Deanne and I'm that witch next door and I will be your host here on this wonderful, magical podcast that you've so divinely found yourself listening to. So grateful that you're here joining us, because we're talking about something really really, really important today. One of the biggest parts of the spiritual journey is the inner work that we do in this life. You might be like me and refer to that as shadow work. You might refer to that as just inner healing work. That might look like nervous system work to you trauma therapy. We could go into all the different other branches of therapy, anything that involves really really deeply going within yourself, into your own memories, your own experiences, your own operations, to figure out how you work, why you work that way, what needs tending to what needs nurturing and nourishment, what is overtaking the system and is kind of becoming hyperactive, all these different things, and this work is, like I said so, so common, as in probably everybody listening to this does this for themselves. I certainly hope that you do, mostly because I don't know how many other things we talk about on this show. We rarely rarely talk about using real magic for real life in all the sunshine and rainbow ways around here. I like to talk about how to use these beautiful magical tools that the universe gifted us, like astrology and witchcraft, and how to use that to embrace the darkness and embrace the depths and venture into those and arm yourself with power, wisdom, trust. That's how I use these practices and that's what I've built my career on is teaching people how to do the same thing. Well, this has been a really interesting podcast break. Every time I take a break in between seasons, I'm always learning something and bringing it to the table for the next season. That's almost inevitable at this point. But this time has been so much bigger and so much more profound and I'm sure I'm sure that it has to do with so much with the world, so much with this big giant life transition and for anybody that doesn't know and this is your first time my family and I, not very long ago at all this year, moved 2000 miles away from our home in Colorado to start a brand new adventure here on the East Coast in New Hampshire, and it's totally, totally the stuff dreams are made of. It's been the most incredible ride and if you wanna know more about that, just scroll back a handful of episodes and you can listen to more about how we did that and what that's been like. But they say the three hardest things that a person goes through in their life are death, divorce and moving, and this has definitely been like one of the biggest undertakings of my life. Truly next to like embarking on parenthood. Like this is probably the next biggest thing, and I wanted this. So it wasn't even something that was like dumped on our lap because he got transferred for a job or something. We moved here because we wanted to, which is very helpful in situations like this to have that kind of motivation behind you, and it still has just more than rocked our world. I don't know. I'm not totally and completely sure what's happening exactly. I'm at that part in my journey giving you a little peek into my own inner work here. I know this is one of those times that I'm going to look back and I'm gonna go oh, I see, yes, I did have to go through that. But wow, who knew? Oh, fucking knew. And I keep coming back to this same description. I've used it seriously more times than I can count, but that slippery little bitch time time has just been like running water through my fingers. It's like the more that I try to hold on, the more that it keeps slipping through the cracks and spilling out over the sides. So I'm just gonna be straight up with you. I have been going through some humongous, humongous shit in my own therapy and my own personal healing Big stuff, stuff that I'm not going to get into specifically here like details-wise. But holy shit, I was not expecting this y'all. I was not expecting this. I was expecting to get really, really depressed or wildly emotional once we moved here to New Hampshire. I was fully prepared to support myself through any homesickness or stretches of sadness and loneliness. However, I was not prepared for this absolute onslaught of shadows exploding up and out of me, staring at me and daring me to look away. And I mean honestly, god damn it, I am. I'm so tired of this shit. Doesn't this ever end? I keep finding myself angrily asking the same question. Probably every single one of my clients has ever asked me does this ever end? Does this healing work, this going through shit, doesn't this ever end? You know, when I very first started working for myself, I did not set out to become this like somewhat of a shadow work guide, but that's definitely been the common denominator among every single one of my clients is I am. I am like a shadow work support guide. I'm a person that has been there and I'll be there with and for you. And so, in this moment, for myself, having asked that question, this does this shit ever end this shadow work journey, right? Does this ever end? Having asked that out of just pure aggravation and then realizing that it's a question that's been posed to me so many times, I'm staunchly reminded of the mirror effect. This is something I've supported so many others through, it's something I've experienced before, and this, in and of itself, is exactly what I need to practice all that I preach. So, no, this shit does not. Quote unquote, end. I'm gonna say that. I'm not gonna say that to you right alongside me, saying that to myself, my friend, no, this, this shit does not end, nor could it. Nor is that even close to the point of it itself. I know firsthand how important, how sacred the ebb and flow of the shadow work journey is. My God's it, it sucks so fucking bad. When you're in the thick of it, hoo, wee, it is rough as shit for a reason, that's for sure. So I'm not here to deny how fucking hard it is. I'm definitely not here to deny why it gets me to that angry, aggravated, frustrating, exhausted place, shouting when the fuck is this gonna end? And honestly, if that wasn't hard enough, right, it's already hard enough to get to that first stage of acceptance. I'll get through this chapter, this season of shadow work, but no, it will not end. There will be more throughout the course of my life. The inner work is always going. If the inner work wasn't always happening, we would cap out. I need you to hear that as much as I need to hear that If the inner work stops, the growth caps out. And so if you are calling in like continuous growing abundance and evolution and transformation for your life and allowing that to just continue, ever unfolding, then no, the inner work will not end. If that wasn't hard enough in and of itself to get to this place of somewhat acceptance at least, right, okay, fine, the inner work can't end. I don't really get to choose the seasons that it's upon me. And no, it doesn't end, because that's not the point of it, because healing is not linear, life is not linear, growth is definitely not linear, and on top of all that, then whoop, they fucking do. Here you go, you got your good old regular life that you are now also expected to keep on keeping on with. While you're at all this work, while all these tarot, these tarot seeds, while all these shadows are tearing outside of you, just ripping through your surface, up and out and into the light facing you, you facing them, sometimes it looks like memories flooding back. Sometimes, though, a lot of us think that's what shadow work mostly is, and don't get me wrong, I've had fucking plenty of that. I've been having plenty of the memory recall and the flashbacks and stuff like that. But you know what's even more, I think, for me, what just comes, glaring, shooting out from the shadows, up and out and into the light, staring at me in the face, to like I can't not be looking at it, are the habits that I've been working on improving, nurturing, healing. And I think as we do this, I think as we continue working on these little operative parts of ourselves, right like our habits, we make this progress and we get better, we make it to the next level and then, once we get to that next level, we have this new set of problems around that same habit that we're working on, we go even deeper and even closer to the root. So, for example, you know, if you are so like my, sobriety, not drinking alcohol, was the first level and so easy to look at. Sobriety is this linear, on off journey, like one day you're using and the next day you're not, you're not sober, and then you are, and not using or not drinking or whatever is, is just the first level. All that does is open you up for for the next level. Really, it's not just about not drinking, then it's about managing emotions, managing stress, then it's about not passing that stress off onto my kid. Now, suddenly, we make it to the next level of oh, this is how I was treated as a kid. This has been being continued. Oh, now we get to the next level. This has really been being continued. This is generational. This is so deeply ingrained in my fucking programming and you just keep digging and digging at these things. So, yeah, you find growth and progress along the way, you get better and better healing these habits and things right, and they don't just go away. You just uncover the next set, you just uncover the next chunk of it as you get to the next level. And the thing of it is is that navigating this work while being expected to and straight up having to live your regular life that is one of the most difficult parts of all of this. Again, it's so easy to look at that same example oh, drinking was the problem. Now we're not drinking Problem solved, false, that drinking created the space necessary to be able to tackle the next level and all the shit that comes up with that. And so what the fuck are you supposed to do when you're like, oh, here was this issue, I'll stop with that issue, things will get better after that. I don't? This actually opened up a whole next set of things that I have to do while I have to keep living this regular life. And it's like you know, I don't really have a hard time finding time to do the healing work and I'm very blessed in that way. I'm very grateful for that that I can see the opportunity for learning and healing all around me at all times and I really do believe that that can be possible for everyone's healing journey. I do believe that our life, the one that we're living, is always presenting us with opportunities for learning and healing all around us, no matter what it is that we do for our career, where we live or anything like that. But it definitely can feel like for some people it doesn't come as naturally to do the inner work and it is very much a task that kind of has to go on the list. Time has to be set aside for to do that reflection stuff, and I can look back in the times in my life where I had to do the same thing and I will say you can use me as an example. You know, over time it does, it gets easier and you're able to just see the opportunities around you and you're able to just learn directly from your environment. You don't feel like you have to constantly like set so much time aside. But what's funny about that is that's not even actually the problem. You think that might be the problem. Oh, I need to make time to go to therapy. I need to make time to journal all these things. Again, you think that's the issue and then you fix those issues and it just opens up for the next set of issues. So, now that you've made the time, now that it's easy and not easy, but now that it's more second nature to do the inner work and you're doing and you're reflecting all the time, all the shit you're learning and you're growing, the next set, the next hardest part to deal with, which is very, very much where I've been, is you have to keep living your regular life. You have to make time for regular life. Among those things, you have to make time for the mundane. You have to make time for these what seem like insignificant interactions and they're not insignificant, but they seem that way. When you're going through such a deep shadow work phase, the best way I've been able to describe it recently and I'm pretty sure this came through during a therapy session of mine is it's like carrying around fresh grease. It feels like I just lost somebody very, very close to me. It's the closest feeling I've been able to connect to this and what I've been going through, where you know that feeling, when in fresh grief when you have to keep going and carrying on around you. You know how early early on you take time off and everybody understands and supports you and the special circumstances and that stuff. But that time eventually goes away and you have to go back to regular life. That's what it feels like and it's like when you go back, you go back to work for the first time or again your regular tasks, or you talk to your neighbor for the first time or you have to interact with somebody at the grocery store. You have to start having these again mundane or quote regular normie experiences and nobody around you can possibly understand. You're just going around carrying this tremendously heavy knowing when you are working on deep, deep cathartic wound healing and you have to just talk with people and make dinner and fucking post on social media type emails and stuff. It's just even saying. I hope you are able to know what I'm describing, that feeling I'm describing. That's why I attribute it to those early stages of grief where it feels like God, nobody gets it and it's okay that they don't get it. I don't need everyone in the world to understand. It's still that totally out of place discomfort of how the fuck is everybody moving at normal speed around me and what am I supposed to be doing? I know I'm supposed to be taking care of myself and what does that look like, especially when the inner work, when it's deep shadow work and it's deep healing that's gotten you into this place, into this feeling I'm describing. It's so hard because it feels fucking invisible. You can't fucking describe it to somebody. This is going to sound awful to some people, but I'm a death witch and I'm going to be blunt about it and say it, but it's easier. When somebody's died, at least it's easier because a person died. I'm saying it's easier to explain because people at least get that, can at least say, yeah, my grandpa died, yeah, my dog died. Instantly we have context, we have reference and people are like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry, I wouldn't give you that space. You don't even really have to explain anything else, god. But with this shit, when you've been like doing inner healing and work and therapy or treatment, whatever that looks like for you, and somebody's like, oh, how are you doing? Are you doing okay lately it's so hard and I hope that there are multiple people. I hope you guys relate to this because it's just been. It's something that's been weighing on me so much for months. Honestly, for months I'm just over here doing the trauma response neurodivergent thing and I'm just masking my life away and I'm just doing my best to put that face on so that people feel comfortable around me. So I feel somewhat comfortable and all you want to do is like either talk about it, share it you want people to understand or you just want to be alone in a way or you just want to blow off everything that you're supposed to do on your fucking to-do list and stuff, all these things and it feels like you don't have a good enough reason. That's what I mean when I say it's fucking easier when at least when someone dies you can say that when you're, when it's this deep, deep kind of nervous system repair and stuff especially in our Western society where we have such mixed reviews you know I mean some people you can say you're going through some mental health shit and they're really going to get it and be super understanding and that's one of the beautiful, beautiful marks of progress in our society. I will say that is not like it used to be. We really have gotten. There are so many more employers, family members, friends, there's so many more people that one decade ago two, three, you know beyond that would have been like okay, what are you taught? Shut up, don't talk about this. People think you're crazy. Or people think you're weird, or you know like, don't share this with people, or or your emotions are. This is too much honesty. I can't handle this right. Like there were there was. It was so much more common to. If you shared that years ago people didn't know how to respond. And I will say we have progressed a lot in our society and how we respond to that overall and and we are so so far from like, having that problem solved, we still have so so far to go. There's still an incredible, incredible amount of people, huge, massive parts of our society, that are like, yeah, there's no space for that here, there's no understanding for that here. I don't know. You need to just take care of that on your own. Take a day, right. Take a day off. Take your mental health day. What the fuck are you supposed to do when one mental health day doesn't even scratch the goddamn surface of what you need, of the time and space you need? Do you know how privileged I am? I work for myself, and I'm able to to manipulate my schedule and morph it, and I work with incredible people who are so understanding and, like I, am really able to give myself the mental health care that an absolutely heart-crushing amount of people in our society and world are not able to. I fully recognize that privilege. I am, I am so blessed for the abilities I have in my life to be able to support myself the way that I can when it comes to my mental health. God, and even talking about that, that makes me just automatically there goes my Aquarius North node, and now I just want to fucking save everybody, and then I start going down a whole different rabbit hole about how mad I am at our world and society. Thanks for another day, though, and this just goes to show, like, even when you have so much more at your disposal for support and ability, like the challenges, the challenges that you still face on this, and a big reason why I think I'm sharing this with you and again with myself. You got to understand, man, when I get on here on the mic with you, all of you I really try to pose myself as a listener to it. Really, really, really try to sit over there on the other side of the speaker with you and hear what I'm saying. And what I'm hearing is number one. I really think that more people will understand than you think, and I think one of the biggest steps I'm taking with releasing episodes like this is showing we can talk about it, people will listen, people will understand and shit, people might even feel inspired or seen from hearing it. Because I do. I see you. I know you're doing this deep inner work and then you have to do shit like wash the fucking dishes and clean the toilet and help your kid with their homework or play with them, spend time with your partner, laugh with your friends, and I know how hard it is to really do, to really be there and do all of those things when you're going through such deep inner healing work. And I'll tell you this the solution is not to abandon the work. If it is something I have learned time and time and time again, whether it's for myself or supporting other people like my clients or even just my friends and loved ones, I promise you the answer is not to abandon the healing work itself. It's to weather the storm, and that's probably ultimately what I am. For a lot of my clients is a hand. I'm a steady hand. I'll hold your hand through the storm. I won't go anywhere, I won't leave you. I'll make sure you're reminded that you're not broken, that your, your intuition is guiding you. The quote, unquote right way, right. We're so concerned about the right versus the wrong way. I have those hands myself that I have to reach out and grab in the storm. I have to be that for myself and you have to be that for yourself too, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how bad the storm gets. And you might be a person like me, who you were raised by people who couldn't do that for you and couldn't hold your hand through the storm. And you know, just like we talked about in the generational healing episode, that usually goes back further and further and further. We keep doing this, we as a collective, we keep doing this. We know the storms come. We know this work must be done. We keep abandoning each other and abandoning ourselves through it, because it becomes what we did, what we deem too much, but it's not too much and you can get through it. And even the deepest, most difficult, most dark and cathartic parts of my healing work, those storms have always gotten through them. The harshest ones I've helped people through, they've always gotten through them. Today's episode is brought to you by Sister Yaro, one of my favorite handmade clothing, home goods and accessories companies. Located in the heart of the Rocky Mountains, created by one of my dear friends, owner and artist Madeline Greason, sister Yaro connects you to both earth and spirit by bringing you handmade, one-of-a-kind pieces inspired by nature and all things magic. Now, this autumn, sister Yaro's most recent collection is called the Earth Seasons Collection. It is a mixture of earrings, necklaces and accessories and more that primarily focus on beautiful mixed metals, crystals and other minerals, with an emphasis on simplistic, gorgeous bohemian designs. Now, in addition to their newest collection, sister Yaro also offers a wide variety of products like sun catchers and mobiles. I have a couple in my home and they are a favorite of myself and my daughter. They cast little rainbows across the room. We've got home goods candles, crystals, clothing and more. And listeners of that Witch podcast also get an exclusive discount on SisterYarocom. Simply use the code THATWITCH10 to receive 10% off your entire order. Go to SisterYarocom, make sure you subscribe to their email newsletter so you never miss their newest collection, newest products or exclusive discounts and sales and make sure you use code THATWITCH10 to receive 10% off your entire order at SisterYarocom. All of this, all this big profound shit I'm reflecting on and this state that I'm in of doing Fuck ton of healing work, just a ton. You know, I Did my. I made my own mistake. I was, I was looking at my own timeline in a linear fashion oh, once we move to New Hampshire, oh, once we get there. Once we get there. Once we get there, no, danny, not once you get there. Things are not on and off like that, it's not just things are one way and then they go away. It's of Course. Of course it happened this way. Of course moving to New Hampshire doesn't quote-unquote, fix everything or a terrible word anyways for this, but we use it anyways. Moving to New Hampshire Gave me the space this part of my healing journey straight up requires and doesn't look that way for everybody, but for me personally, that's just little glimpse in my my journey. You know you don't have to move 2000 miles away to get Space all the time, but that's what my nervous system needed. And Of course, on the other side, getting here, finally Settling in, finding some roots, you know I expect off I'll have all this peace and stability and that will continue growing as well. And I will continue cultivating peace and stability. And Because I am cultivating that, my nervous system is feeling safer and safer to continue this healing work. My subconscious mind is feeling safer and safer to continue revealing these shadows to me. My Subconscious mind knows that as I keep healing, as I create this healing space for myself and open up these capacities, I can take on more of it. That's why this shit doesn't end. That's why it's not the point of getting it to end. You get stronger, you get to keep learning how to take better and better care of yourself, and so these are things I was doing long before we moved and, quite honestly, I didn't even see a problem with it before we moved. But once we did and again, it was kind of a good thing that I kept going all once we get to New Hampshire, once we get to New Hampshire, once we get to New Hampshire, once we get to New Hampshire and then we got here and that wasn't the case. Oh, I'll have more time to do this, I'll have more time to do this, I'll have more time to do this. Notice where I was putting the responsibility of my time, because I certainly wasn't taking responsibility for it. I Was putting the responsibility of my time capacities into the hands of my environment. I Don't have time for that in Colorado, but I will in New Hampshire. Aka, my environment dictates how much time I have. Well, it certainly will, if you decide it. I will say that that's something I'm learning for myself. You're right, danny. Your environment will continue making those decisions for you. And guess what? Your environment is busy, busy as fuck. You're a mom entrepreneur in In 2023 on the East Coast, a good old us of a. There are certain markers in this time period. Anywhere you live in the world, that's probably gonna say, yeah, because of that, because of your archetype and your demographic and all it, yeah, you're busy, you're a busy as fuck person. If you live in the few, if you, I can definitely say if you live in the US, you probably you probably identify pretty hardcore with your busy archetype. And I Get here and I had been so looking forward to all this time right that my environment was going to gift to me, since I was putting the responsibility of my time in my environments hands, and lo and behold, what do you think happened? Well, I didn't get any extra time. Shocker, I filled it up. Honestly, one of the biggest realizations that I've had during this podcast break is that I don't know how to relax and I One of the things I am learning is that I I'm uncovering more trauma in my childhood than I was able to let myself Accept, and that means that I also learned. I lived in and continue to live in trauma responses and survival states Way, way more frequently than I had any idea at all at all. And honestly, you guys, this is part of why, like, the way I show up on social media has changed so fucking drastically over the past year. And I don't know if that's even obvious to a lot of people it might not be at all. It's usually things like this as a business owner, you know, you think that people notice these things so much more than they actually do. You notice them more, but you know, if you have been paying attention over the course of the last year I mean my social media presence and the way I show up and what I share and how often and all that it's just Changed so drastically. The truth is, I'm gonna be so fucking straight up with you. I don't ever know what to talk about. I Can do the podcast. I can do long form. I can come up with a with a subject To share and research Extensively and draw out it. I'll chalk it up to my struggles with relaxing. That's easy, I can fill some time. But I watch people like share what they're doing and share their life and connect it To the work that they do, and I can do that like I see the opportunity in my daily life. But Part of the problem is because I've been going through so much of this inner healing work, I get afraid to Start sharing because I worried that the floodgates are gonna open. And If it's one thing I highly, highly, highly recommend you doing in our modern age of social media, it is being mindful about what you share, about your inner healing journey. I think that we can share a lot of it. I think we can share very deeply personal parts of it and I think that it's also very important to continue valuing and prioritizing privacy and so many of us feel so pressured to have no privacy and share everything and We've kind of the pendulum has kind of swung a little too far that way. We didn't used to share anything we were going through, and now we are sharing so much that I do believe that we, we kind of betray ourselves a little bit in that way. Sometimes you got it. It's all about why you're sharing. I do think it comes down to that why you're sharing. And so, since, since I never know, you know, I, I have these things that I could say that I should, but I'm, I'm so afraid, like that the floodgates are just gonna open. I, I, I keep the conversation about other things, I Keep busy, I fix little things around me in my life and my business, just like my, my house, even with my business, I just I tidy, I Look for and and do these little tasks and projects for work and around the house. That, especially being neuro divergent, you know my brain and that cycle is able to go Yep, we did it. Check off the box Yep, accomplishment, we did it, we did it. But I'm not really doing anything. When you look at it all, I'm distracting myself. And, again, I, I really see this reflected in my business and how I've shown up this year. When I zoom out and look at how I've been showing up, it's I and I don't mean it in a criticizing way at all, I really mean that I'm looking at it in a very observant way. I tell a lot of my clients to do this and this is a good real-time, live example of me doing that. I, I, I zoom out and I look at this this Past year of how I show up in social media and well, not just social media, again, how I show up in my business in general, anywhere and it feels so disjointed and disconnected on across these different platforms and it is in a lot of ways it is Because I've been finding the connection. I Didn't know where and how it all connected and and that's slowly, slowly starting to happen now. And you know, when I realize things like I don't know how to relax and I mean I'm not relaxing you guys I say I take a break and I just fill it. I fill it as Soon as I say oh, I'm taking a little break, I'm taking a little time off the podcast. What I instantly begin doing is I start working on the next thing. I go okay, now I have plenty of time to work on all these things I need to work on, and I just immediately start doing that and, and before you know it, every single moment is filled with something, even when it doesn't have to be. And the worst part is I, I Hold myself crazy to this ridiculous standard and I like emotionally punish myself. I shouldn't be relaxing right now because there's x, y or z this thing that I could do. And it took me until this podcast break to realize All of this, just to find that connection between all these things how I've been showing up in business and these problems I have around not being able to relax, not being able to rest, not being able to play. I don't rest Until my body and my mind actually forced me to. And yes, like many of you that are relating to this right now, this is what was modeled to me by my caregivers and it is unfortunately what I am absolutely modeling to my daughter. In the past, when things, when I'm in a state of reflection like this and I'm kind of like examining the business and and Operations and moves I've made and decisions and the way I've shown up and the results of all those things you know in the past, when it's time to implement some changes in the business, in my life, what do I do? I go back to the business drawing board, of course, right, I mean, why wouldn't I go back to the business drawing board to Implement some changes for business. Here's the thing with this time around, though. Now I keep being brought back to the drawing board of play, rest and relaxation. My mind, my body and the universe they all keep bringing me back to this same thing over and over and over again, of All this healing, deep work I've been digging up and working on For months and months and months and months. Now I keep being brought back to these themes of perfectionism, being a workaholic, not knowing how to relax, dumping all of my self-worth into how many tasks I got done and how I utilized my time. Was I as productive as I possibly could be to get as many things done as possible? It's kind of like how I get really proud when I get like bang for my buck, like when I go to the grocery store or Target or something and I can get a lot more things for a lot less money, because I was like paying attention to sales and coupons and the price per unit and shit like that, and I get home and I feel Proud because I'm like I got, you know, all this bang for my buck. I do that with my time All the fucking time, all the time, all the fucking time, all the time, in my mind and my body and my spirit, the universe just keeps bringing me to a halt. I just keep coming up against these blockages, and the blockages sometimes look like major, major lack of motivation. Sometimes the block looks like huge waves of imposter syndrome and not enoughness. Sometimes the blockages look like physical blockages and exhaustion. Sometimes it looks like total and complete mental and emotional fatigue. But make no mistake, I keep coming up against block after block after block after block, no matter what I do, and it hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. Well, maybe, my dear, it's because you told everybody you were going to take a break and you keep telling yourself you're going to take a break and you haven't taken a fucking break. And now I'm going to goddamn cry about it on my, my dammit. Do you know how many of you reached out to me and have said enjoy your break, enjoy your break, enjoy your time off? And I haven't been doing it at all at all. If it's one thing, one fucking thing, I have worked so diligently for years now on trusting, however it is, in the union of my mind, my body and my spirit, and, goddamn it, they're not letting up. You're going to have a break, danny. You're going to take a break. You're going to learn to fucking trust this. You're going to learn to surrender. And let go and take a goddamn break and enjoy it. How many of you say you're going to take a break, but your mind doesn't let you take a break? And so you lay there overthinking, feeling guilty about how you're using your time. So you start using your phone to, like, do something productive or, even worse, you start doom scrolling God, and that never ends well. When you're in that state of mind and I get to this so angry place again, facing that shadow, and I find myself asking what the fuck am I supposed to do then? How the hell is that going to accomplish any of the things that need accomplishing? Isn't it so funny how we do that? The problem in and of itself is that I'm hyper, prioritizing task lists and accomplishing in and of itself, and my angry question I keep asking back to myself in the universe, to these blockages, is well, how am I supposed to be accomplishing these things? And this is where, again, all of my years of work and practice in trusting myself really, really pays off. Because now, in these moments when this happens to me like before I started recording today and I was writing all this down and I got angry and asked that question a voice came through, a download came through, a message came through. Here it is okay, how interesting that term is. This term quote needs accomplishing. What is accomplished and who decided it was out of vital necessity? And I know that this is my higher self. I know that's who's coming through, being guided by my guides and the universe, just like I do the work, the inner work now, and they go back and remind younger versions of myself. It's okay, you're doing your best. You don't have to worry so much about these things you think that you have to worry about. You're doing everything you're supposed to be doing because you're learning. I know that that voice coming through right now is my higher self doing that for me down the line. So here are my takeaways. Here's what I know about my career. I love learning about astrology and teaching it to all of you. I am not prioritizing my own anything, anything. I'm not prioritizing my own learning, not prioritizing my own rest or play. I'm really hyper prioritizing it for other people, really trying to make sure my kid gets that really, really want to make sure I'm being a good partner. My partner is able to get that. My clients, my friends and loved ones I give so many fucks about. It so easy to prioritize supporting them getting that for themselves, and I'm not doing it for myself. I just have not been at all. Here's what else I know. I love teaching classes, unpracticing witchcraft. I love reading all kinds of books so many besides just learning more about astrology and witchcraft and actually lately I have been crazy drawn and so strongly pulled to classic literature again, something I have committed to not putting off again. I know that I love supporting others on this crazy journey through their own ebbs and flows of life. I know that I love talking about the struggles and the triumphs and I know that I use what I learn and what I teach in my real life and I know that when I share that experience, it helps people, because you reach out and tell me that. So a lot of this episode is me being accountable and showing up and making a promise, and a lot of this episode is really hoping that you do the same thing, especially if you needed this episode to recognize your own habits and your own patterns Because, man, it's easy to get swept up by them, caught up in the day to day, and sometimes just realizing it in the first place is the most profound thing that you can do for yourself. It's just fucking realizing it and acknowledging it. And while I'm still learning and I don't have some neat and tidy solution, if you will, because none of this is really a problem, it's just an experience here are some responses I have to this experience, aka here are the things that I do to help support me while I'm doing deep nervous system healing or deep shadow work like this, and I have to find healthy ways to continue coping with real life, and I hope that these help you as well. Number one I prioritize the basics. So have you ever heard the term halt, h-a-l-t? This was a concept taught to me in a recovery program that I'm in and this is my home base. So halt stands for hungry, angry, lonely, tired. These are, these are, these are the most I don't even know how to word it the most common reasons that we, that we cope in an unhealthy way with life. There are stressors or things going on within us, physically or emotionally, that can trigger us into self-sabotage and the type of self-indulgent coping mechanisms that harm us and not help us. And so when we remember halt and just the basics of being hungry, being angry, being lonely, being tired, we can respond directly to those things immediately, and having a home base like that is wildly helpful for me. So when I feel like I am just being a hot ass fucking mess of a human being, I can pause right, I halt and I can now say, because I've been practicing this for quite some time now, you're, you have not eaten. God, if there's one thing, especially being neurodivergent, please don't cast judgments onto people that forget to eat or don't eat or have disordered eating patterns or habits, because there are just a boatload of fucking reasons, a boatload, and sometimes they have to do with weight and body image, and sometimes they don't at all, and sometimes it's a combination and it's so fucking different for everybody and it's valid and it's a real ass struggle. So I just want you to know that it's hard to share things like that with people. You know. Oh, I forget to eat and I have to remind myself to eat, and there's just been so many times throughout my fucking life, since I was literally a young child, where, instead of somebody teaching me how to pay attention to my hunger cues and how to help myself feel better. Instead, I'm met with really strong judgment of how could you ever possibly forget to eat? Because God, because of the giant host of reasons I just listed. So pause, halt. Are you hungry? First and foremost, do you need food or nourishment? Angry, I have learned. I have gone right back to my elementary school days and I utilize like those old basic techniques and I stomp it out, I scream in a pillow, I breathe and count backwards from 10. I write super angry letters, I pray and I share all of the angry thoughts and feelings I'm having with my spirit team. That's what they're there for, my friend. They have this infinite capacity for your experience. Don't be afraid to speak those things. It doesn't mean that you're manifesting them. Open up and ask for support and share those things as a form of release and transmutation. Loneliness, connecting with somebody, somebody I need. Sometimes that means I need to reach out to like a friend. I need to talk with another physical human being. Sometimes that looks like connecting with spirit, sometimes that looks like connecting to self, but loneliness, that's. That's a big one. It's really, really, really easy during these deep, deep shadow work and cathartic healing times to to hermit a little too much and to go a little too within. And even just a 10 minute phone call with somebody that you love, even just texting back and forth with somebody for a day or two, it can't. That very, very simple connection can be so profoundly nurturing for us when we are feeling like hot mess, express and finally, tired, which is probably the one I'm working on the most and it's funny I guess I have kind of worked on all of these in order. I didn't really realize, but in my personally, in my healing journey, I worked on the halt thing in order. I didn't even ever set out to do that, but I did get first better about making sure are you hydrated, have you eaten? That's usually the first step why you're feeling this way. The anger thing finding healthy ways to actually express that anger and release it so that it's not harming me or holding me down. Connecting with other people when I'm feeling the loneliness. And finally, the one I'm working on, which is what a ton of this episode has been about, is tired and learning how to rest, and I think the big one with this final letter in the acronym is. It's not just about being physically tired like needing sleep, and don't get me wrong, sometimes that's exactly what it's about. Sometimes it's tired of what you're doing and tired of what you've been doing and you just need a break, but a break doesn't always look like a nap and a break doesn't always look like sleep and again, sometimes it definitely does. So please take your naps, go to bed early, wake up late, whatever you know, get your rest wherever you need to, absolutely, and then when you start working on that and getting better at that, take it that next step further and realize sometimes being tired means tired of what you're doing and needing to change things up. That's very, very much where I'm at right now. Number two another thing I do is I breathe in my ground cleanse, protect Holy Trinity mantra, just like we talked about on the season finale of season four of that witch podcast. So if you want to learn more about that kind of how that got developed and how to practice it, definitely go back that entire episode. The guide for an empath wildly helpful for everything we're talking about today. Wildly helpful If you're going through shit like this. You need to protect your energy, so make sure you go listen to that episode if you haven't already. Number three I get honest with myself about what in my environment is making things worse, and I put up boundaries. Sometimes it's like a type of food I'm consuming. It's not even usually a type. It's things like like eating something that I know makes me feel really, really, really shitty and eating it over and over and over again, and so I don't like restricting those things, and so instead, is what I try to do? Is I try to fill my plate or fill my my cup or fill my fridge with things that I really enjoy and feel really good. I used to just like let me know if you want an episode about this stuff, because I've really come a long way with my like health and fitness journey and it's definitely something I really really enjoy sharing about if that's something that others would benefit from and be interested in. But I try not to restrict necessarily. I try to fill up with what feels good and tastes good. The same thing goes for people around me Activities what in your life is just being a battery trainer? So the substance of food, a beverage, a person and activity, a job, what is it? And I get real and I put up appropriate and healthy boundaries. Number four I activate the phone tree. So this is a practical magic term. If you've seen that movie it's a big favorite of mine around here. It's not actually a real phone tree. The phone tree in practical magic is when Sally, it's part of their like PTA thing in their little town at their school that they're from, and there's a person at the top of the tree who activates the phone tree and they all call all the other parents or moms or whatever. That's not actually what I do, I just call it, I activate the phone tree because what that signals to my brain is I. That's me saying I activate my support network, aka I call in my reinforcements like my husband, my close friends, my sponsor and my therapist. So I know that so many of you are just like me and your community and support network has probably undergone all kinds of changes and you might have very, very, very few people and that's okay. It's not about the number of people, but creating a strong and supportive network for yourself in this life is a non negotiable. My friend, we are born among other human beings for a reason. We're not supposed to do everything alone. We're not supposed to. Number five, and this one's definitely a work in progress. As you've heard from today, I try to play. Usually right now that looks like playing with my daughter, with Blair, because I'm still learning how to play as an adult and so many of us millennials and I would, I would venture to say, gen X and possibly Gen Z as well I think we have these commonalities among our most recent generations where we were given more playtime in our childhood than previous generations before that were like boomers and previous, and there was still so many wounds and trauma being passed down around. You know, workaholic, hyper productivity, hustle culture and not just hustle like I don't mind some hustle, but I'm talking about like hyper hustle activity. I really have been trying to utilize play specifically to put my perfectionism and my hyper hustle into perspective. And number six I use orbs around me like no other and lean the fuck into my affirmations, especially when I need to be interacting with people who don't get it. And keep in mind it's not everyone's job to get what you're going through and to understand. It's not the cashier's job or the server's job or the person you know, even if it's a friend of yours. It's not their job to understand what you're going through. There are going to be times when you're going to feel like you're going through something and people around you don't get it, and that's okay. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It doesn't mean they're doing anything wrong. And this is still a prime opportunity to be using energetic orbs and affirmations of safety for yourself. And I use affirmations of safety. I use grounding affirmations to keep myself in a present moment, not getting like whisked away by my emotions or overthinking. I use orbs to help block out the energy of other people because I am so, so sensitive to it. But I also use my orbs so that I am not projecting my energy out onto other people who's it's not their responsibility to receive it. You know it has nothing to do with them. That's being a responsible empath. Again, I refer to the season finale episode of season four. So I want you to know that, as I continue learning about who I am and how I operate and how to take better and better care of myself, I'm going to continue sharing it with you. That is what I know right now and that is more than enough. So thank you for your time today, neighbor. I appreciate it more than you'll probably ever be able to really really know. You mean so so much to me. Thanks for staying with me for this episode of that Witch podcast. I hope you have a beautiful, beautiful rest of your day. Make sure that you stay safe, have fun right, try and play and stay match clubbed there. 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